Heer of slaaf?

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Henkie was op de lagere school mijn beste vriendje. Henkie had een brilletje met één glas afgeplakt, omdat hij ‘een lui oog’ had. Zijn gezicht was voor zover niet door zijn brilletje aan het zicht onttrokken bedekt met sproetjes. En bovenop zijn hoofd, echt waar, ik bedenk het niet, rood haar. Klein van stuk, brilletje, sproetjes en rood haar aan de buitenkant en angst en onzekerheid aan de binnenkant. Zo’n ventje dus.

Woensdagmiddag zwierven we door de buurt waar Henkie woonde. Tegenover hun flat lag een stukje grond braak. Het was overwoekerd door wild gras, distels en brandnetels. Er liepen wel een paar paadjes doorheen doordat kinderen daar de vegetatie hadden dood gelopen. Op dat stukje grond kon je fijn ‘koiboike’ spelen. We deden dan net alsof we cowboys waren met de pistolen in onze holsters, die we van Sinterklaas hadden gekregen. Ik was heel trots op mijn twee pikzwarte klapperpistolen. Ik liep ermee rond als een bronstige pauwhaan met zijn lange verensleep op zoek naar een geslachtsrijp meisje.

Henkie vroeg mij deemoedig of hij ook even met mijn pistolen mocht spelen. Ik verleende hem natuurlijk als mijn vriendje die gunst. Henkie rende van mij weg met mijn holster om en met mijn pistolen in zijn beide handen toen ik nog stond na te genieten van mijn grootmoedigheid. “Paf, paf”, riep hij met mijn pistolen op mij gericht, “je bent dood”.

Edwin klasgenoot en onze aartsvijand kwam juist aangefietst. “Wat doen jullie? Mag ik meedoen?”, riep die oetlul al voordat hij zijn fiets in de bosjes flikkerde. “Ja”, zei Henkie mij te snel af. Henkie was doodsbang voor Edwin, misschien nog wel banger dan voor mij. Henkie gaf godsamme onmiddellijk één van mijn pistolen aan Edwin. “Hij is de boef en wij de sheriffs”, schreeuwde Edwin. De rollen lagen meteen vast. Daar stond ik met het lullige klapperpistooltje van Henkie, dat het niet eens meer deed, tegenover mijn eigen gloednieuwe, hard klappende, kei-echte revolvers. Ik rende weg. Zij achter mij aan. Ik zag Edwin zijn fiets pakken. Hij schreeuwde “dit is mijn paard”. “Ja, dat is niet eerlijk”, riep ik nog terug, maar hij had me al zover ingehaald dat hij mij fluisterend ook wel had gehoord. Hij kwam naast mij fietsen en duwde mij met één hand  tussen de brandnetels. Hij stapte van zijn fiets en jouwde mij uit: “zo boef je verdiende loon”. Ik schreeuwde het uit. Mijn beide benen die uit mijn korte broek staken, zaten onder de rode vlekken, die jeukten als de ziekte. Tot overmaat van ramp kon ik mijn tranen niet bedwingen. In aanwezigheid van mijn rivaal stond ik te grienen, jezus wat een afgang. Edwin schrok daar zo van, dat hij zijn fiets pakte en weg racete. Henkie kwam bedremmeld bij mij staan en stak zwijgend mijn pistool toe. Ik heb Edwin nooit mijn andere pistool terug durven vragen, omdat ik bang was dat hij dan alsnog mijn nederlaag breed uit zou meten.

In onze moderne tijd is onze grote mate van vrijheid een verzwaring van het traject naar het bereiken van ‘levenskunst’. Als er geen absolute maatstaf meer bestaat voor hoe we een goed leven moeten leiden, zijn we gedwongen dat zelf uit te zoeken. God is dood en wij zijn stuurloze idioten geworden.

Als je denkt, na deze klus of, als ik me beter voel, ga ik doen wat ik écht wil, dan zijn er krachten sterker dan je eigen wil. Ik vraag Edwin mijn pistolen terug als mijn nederlaag er niet meer toe doet. Ik stel de confrontatie met Edwin uit totdat ik mij voldoende weerbaar voel. Levenskunst is volgens filosoof Joep Dohmen het aanpassen van je wil aan de ruimte die je ter beschikking staat. Je stemt je wensen af op je eigen capaciteiten en de mogelijkheden die het externe krachtenveld je toestaat. Je stelt dus geen doelen die onrealistisch zijn. Wat realistisch is vraagt om kritische zelfanalyse en een scherpe taxatie van de context. Vervolgens is het oefenen, proberen, evalueren en bijstellen van je doelen of van je plan van aanpak.

Door levenskunst kun je een zekere mate van autonomie of innerlijke vrijheid verwerven. Je leert je mogelijkheden en beperkingen kennen. Levenskunst gaat ook over kwaliteit: het leven moet zinvol zijn, in overeenstemming met een zelf verworven, morele oriëntatie. Het gaat erom dat je waarachtig kunt zeggen dat je een goed leven leidt. Een dergelijke autonome en authentieke levenshouding komt niet vanzelf. Die vergt ‘Bildung’ door studie, zelfanalyse, meditatie en vooral ook openhartig contact met mensen die je liefdevol willen spiegelen.

Mensen die niet innerlijk vrij zijn, missen de mogelijkheid om solidair of rechtvaardig te zijn. Juist die mensen zijn te veel met zichzelf bezig. Als je innerlijk vrij bent, kun je in de juiste relatie staan tot de ander. Volgens Nietzsche  moeten we een persoonlijke houding ontwikkelen op basis van een zelf verworven hiërarchie van waarden. Foucault voegt hier aan toe: Wees je bewust van hoe je wordt gedisciplineerd en hoe je daartoe wilt verhouden – en je er zo nodig tegen wilt verzetten. Uiteindelijk draait het om de vraag of je heer of slaaf bent.

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